A Post I Didn't Plan to Make

When I was twelve, my sister found out that her newborn infant, Ailish, had a congenital heart defect and would need to have surgery right away or else she would not survive.

My family was scared, I was scared. My sister's firstborn, who was just about to turn three, didn't understand much of it yet. We picked her up from the hospital and as my mom strapped her into the car seat next to me I watched her sleepy little eyes droop and her slow breathing as the long drive home lulled her to sleep. All I could think was how precious she was, how lucky we were to have her there, healthy and alive. I thought, in that moment, that I would never take anyone's life for granted again.

But I guess in a way, I did start to take life for granted.

This weekend I had planned to drive home to visit my parents.

When I arrived, I had planned to see my sister and her kids. I planned to take pictures with Ailish, and her little brother. I planned to give them lots of hugs and try to make them laugh.

I didn't plan to anxiously wait for a phone call from my sister at the hospital, wondering if Ailish would come out of her coma.

I didn't plan to see my sister's firstborn, now a teenager, with her eyes welled up with tears after having witnessed her little sister's seizure, and after watching helplessly as my sister and father attempted to resuscitate her.

I had planned to pack up some of my winter clothes to take back to school with me, I had planned to check my mail and open the wonderful things I ordered from Etsy, maybe showcasing them on my Instagram and this blog.
I didn't plan to do all of these things while holding back the urge to collapse into tears, all delight I could have felt for any online purchase, no matter how lovely, now completely dissipated.

When I got back, I had planned to go to a Halloween party, drink some hard cider with friends and have a good time.

I did not plan to, instead, lay curled up in bed, knowing I had just lost my little niece forever. Knowing my sister had just lost the baby that for eleven years she had been fighting for.

In just a little under 24 hours, all of this happened.

It was just one day, and now our lives are emptier, lonelier. They still have to go on, somehow, but it hurts.

It hurts knowing I didn't get that last picture with her, that I will never see her again. It hurts knowing that eventually I will start to forget what her voice sounded like.

I forgot that her life was not guaranteed to us. We were so tremendously blessed to have had her in our lives as long as we did, she could have easily been lost to us much sooner.
And I don't believe in heaven, necessarily, but I like to think that Ailish is at rest now. Maybe she will live on in other ways, ways we can hardly fathom, or maybe she is truly gone forever -- but either way, she is resting now. The battle is over.

Thank you for letting us fight with you, little one.

Mid-Semester Update/Reminder to Appreciate Small Things

So far, this semester has been a blessing and a curse. I guess that is pretty typical for college. I have been so busy that the weeks seem to fly by, and I hardly have time to just stop and appreciate small things. This post is a reminder, to me and to you, to stop and remember the small things.

This weekend was especially busy. I finished my run as costume mistress for our production of John Cariani's Almost Maine at Fletcher Collin's, and rehearsed for Robin Hood is Dead a wonderful new play by Paul Menzer which will be having its world premier (fancy!) later this month.

I have a lot of big things to look forward to this fall. My thesis is started to come together at last, and I am about to start working on the bulk of it (wish me luck!)
Auditions for a really great play are coming up next month, which I am already preparing for. Also, Jeremy and I might have found our dream house (which we will try and rent if it is still available by the time we are financially able to start moving -- hopefully before Christmas!)

But those are all big things -- wonderful things! But big things. I want to also list a few of the small things. There are a lot of them, but I will mention just a few from the past week.

Making new friends, and strengthening old ones -- this is something I noticed happen today. It was just a conversation, a hug, a smile, but it was worth SO much.

The flowers on the side of the road (I took an awesome picture of them).

Fall in Staunton is too beautiful for me to explain, it's truly an experience. This town is so lovely.

Making art for Mab's Drawlloween Club!

The people who like and support my art. It honestly means so much, even just a simple comment or "like" on Instagram.

The people who compliment my clothes. It makes me feel like a million bucks. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way so I try and return the favor whenever I can.

Evan Peters. He is just so good and talented, like damn.

My boyfriend Jeremy. He is okay, I guess. ;)
He also sends me pictures of Alastor, which make me SO happy.

Raspberry Zinger tea from Celestial Seasonings. Seriously, I love that shit.

Also, I just ordered the fabric for my Halloween costume! I will make a post about the process of making my costume once it is finished (so probably some time next month) stay tuned!

I feel like I need to keep this blog updated with more of my personal stuff, not just my poetry and writing (not that I plan to give that any less attention!) If all goes as planned, there will be more posts like this one in the future. :)

Lots of Love,

- Lissa

New Poem: A Rainstorm Under Two Inosculated Maple Trees